So today i was sitting back thinking about how many people have come and gone in my life. I came to the conclusion that the only ones who are still here are the very few that actually know me. Whether this is because they wont let me push the away or that they can just plain put up with my shit i don’t know. All i do know is that i truly appreciate them still being here.

I’ve been through some things in my life that i wouldn’t wish on anyone. I’m not going to go into them on here because its way to personal to put out there. These things have basically caused me to close off from people. I’m mostly happier when I’m by myself, whether that’s out taking photos or doing editing at home. When it comes to meeting new people I have trouble trusting them. The few close friends that i have pushed through my lack of trust and found the real me deep inside.

The me that people see on a day to day basis isn’t really who i am. Its who i pretend to be. I pretend to be happy and bubbly and mostly i am just pretending to be. Over the years i have almost perfected that skill of hiding in plain sight. I can be loud, I will talk, and i will tell people what i think but no one really sees what i feel. They never see what i feel. They don’t see when my heart has been broken or when I’m so sad that i don’t want to leave the house or even get out of bed. People don’t see these things because i can’t show them that I’m weak.

I am so grateful to the few that have broken down my walls to a point where they know a bit about who i really am. There are three who really surprised me. These three have become some of the closest and strongest people in my life. Sounds strange but they just completely get me. I have never really cared if people leave but if i was to ever loose these people i don’t think i would be the same again. One of those friends has drifted away over the last few weeks and it feels like a part of me is missing all over again. Its making me realise once again the people always leave and i want someone to prove just once that im wrong.